No to No

I am anti-abortion.

I am pro-choice.  

For years, I have been able to have these thoughts, in my head, keeping them to myself, reasonably happy with how they felt. I never had to commit them to paper, or proclaim my opinions publicly. I never had to get off the fence. 

I have been broadly liberal, mostly tree-hugging, fairly non-discriminatory, largely into Equality and Diversity and Inclusion and all those lovely buzzwords which make me feel like a Good Person. 

I have been unshackled by religion and yet a staunch believer in morality and integrity, and lots of other "christian" ideals. 

But now it's time to pick the splinters out of my backside and jump off that fence. 

Ticking the NO box on the ballot paper would be easy. 
NO = I don't like killing babies.
NO = I think all women should love and cherish the life growing inside them.
NO = all life should be valued.
NO = abortion should never have to happen.

But that's not what NO means. 
NO means all the same stuff still happens, in the same unsafe, demeaning, traumatic, shame-inducing way that it currently happens every day.
NO means that we continue to brush the uncomfortable thoughts under the carpet, and fool ourselves into thinking we are morally good and right for doing so.

In my lifetime I have held five two-lined peed-on pregnancy tests in my shaking hands. 
Only three of those potential lives came into the world. The other two were just as precious to me, but they simply didn't make it.

I could get pregnant now. I have functioning ovaries and a wonky-but-working womb. 

But I have been radiated upside-down and sideways for three and a half years. I'm pretty sure that's not doing my eggs any favours. And I will continue to be radiated for the rest of my life,  getting scanned every few months, getting superstrength zaps any time  any straggly cancer bits raise their ugly heads. If the cancery bits get very feisty they'll need a good dose of Toxic Waste chemo to beat them into submission. 

None of which is in the What to Expect guide to a successful and healthy pregnancy. 

What would I do? 
Would I suspend all treatment for my Should-Be-Dead-By-Now cancer, and try to nurture the potential life inside me? Knowing that both of us could end up in the morgue, leaving behind the three lives I have painstakingly brought this far? 
Or would I erase that potential life, with a reluctant and broken heart, to grasp at the fragile straw of saving my own skin? 

I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want to face up to the reality of that choice. I wish it would all go away.

Voting No doesn't make it all go away.

It just makes those decisions so much harder.